In the mood for some online dating humor? As a storyteller who loves to make people laugh, I just couldn’t stop myself and have to share my internal dialogue as a newly single woman trying to make sense of online dating and dating apps.
I guess I should explain — this post is a little different from my usual posts, but I hope it’ll make you smile.
As you might know, I got divorced. After 15 years together, we both decided our marriage wasn’t working any longer.
We worked together with a mediator, and our son is doing fine, which is our main focus. There was no drama and we are great co-parents — it honestly couldn’t have been more amicable.
I’m too much of a romantic to give up on love, so after a while I signed up for two dating apps.
It’s going to take a very special man for me to give up my precious alone time, he’ll have to live nearby, he’ll have to be okay with my teenage son being my priority until he leaves the nest…
Needle in a haystack, I’m sure, so I figured I better give online dating a good try instead of thinking Mr. Wonderful is just going to knock on the door one day.
I’m trying to have fun with online dating and not take it too seriously while also being dead serious about wanting to find someone special to share my life with.
Not so easy during a pandemic.
Browsing through all the profiles has been hilarious. I just can’t believe what some men post! LOL
Here’s my internal dialogue when I look through the photos before I hit delete — which is 98% of the time:
You’re 49 in your dreams, Peter.
If you’re 51, Nigel, I’m 35.
Your only picture is sepia colored – you’re 70, Barry. You’re so old, maybe you forgot your age?
10 pictures of you looking pissed, next to your pit bull who looks pissed. Next.
Separated. Hmm. Good for you, RunsWithHorses. Nope.
What is that – half your head?
You put on another 10 pounds in every picture. Poof! Magic!
Nice nose hairs, Arthur. Burning to meet you.
OMG, not another guy proudly holding a fish. What’s with the fish pictures?
What IS all that junk behind you?
That’s not your car, Danny70.
If that’s your car, Carlos, I’m not interested. Your demographic is gold diggers with long fingernails.
Nice sunset. Your point?
One shadowy picture of you. Five pictures of your tiny dog. Tempting.
Why are you posting 8 pictures of rock formations?
Group picture. Which one is you, Bogdan? Do I get to pick?
Instagram filter that makes you look like a mouse. Oh, and a demon. Okay then.
Nice car roof. Little lower and I’d be able to see more than your hairline.
You’re 45 in the first picture – 60 in the next one. Unless that’s a photo of your dad. Don’t waste my time, Gordo!
Well, Paulie, you proved me wrong. I thought only women post fish face pictures.
Gym rat. Your arms look like they’re about to explode. Good luck on your quest.
Picture of your kids – who I’m sure are THRILLED to have their faces on this dating app.
Picture of you and your ex. Come on, figure out how to crop a picture! It’s not brain surgery.
Brain surgeon who looks like Frankenstein. Sorry, no.
Holy– what is that? Do I want to know?
Jesse, dear, you look like you haven’t bathed in a month. In all of your 18 pictures.
9 picture of you drinking beer with the guys. Let me think— No.
Golf. More golf. Okay, you’re never home.
You clearly spend your whole paycheck on tattoos. Best of luck.
Another public bathroom picture. You seriously can’t find another place to take a decent picture?
Look up, Kenny J, not at the phone in your hand. Up here, so I can see your eyes!
Uh-huh. Beach bum with a drink. Hard pass.
Mr. Incandescente. (Had to look it up: “glowing white with heat”) Seriously? WTF?
Guy number 200 who can’t figure out how to take a picture and actually look straight ahead. Nice chin.
Why would you take a picture of yourself lying down on your gross pillow?
High IQ. Really? You called yourself “Dude.”
Mama’s boy.
Seriously, did you look at the picture you just posted for the whole world to judge you by?
I’m too distracted by what the people behind you are doing.
I’m too distracted by the Sixties décor.
How did you get someone to take a picture of you in that position?
You think you’re all that, Virgilio. Next.
You’re in an open relationship? Bless your heart. And hers.
Five spelling mistakes in two sentences. NEXT!
Is that a skunk around your neck?
There you have it — a bit of online dating humor. If you’re on an online dating app, you know what I’m talking about and have come across every one of those men.
If you’re single as well, may the dating gods be with us — these apps are clearly not going to help us, but they are a great source for a good laugh.
Maybe we’ll get lucky and a friend of ours sets us up with a wonderful, respectful, single man who is versed in how to actually court a woman. Are those still out there?
Online Dating Humor – Because You Have to Keep a Sense of Humor
You would enjoy this post once you find your Prince Charming:
